Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Someone came in the potted fern
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
