His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
