why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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