That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
