I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
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We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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