i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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