last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
