Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize