So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
