I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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