i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
