Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i out mim tonsoeep
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