not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
