My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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