i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
