alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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