??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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