i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
