My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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