I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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