he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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