Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
