Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
