so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
