My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
