I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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