Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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