I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
