Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
