why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
