I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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