if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
