I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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