3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I did not marry a roomba.
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