I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
