if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
