Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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