Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
