My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
