Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
