I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
