our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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