My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
