I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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