I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
