it wasn't lemon gatorade
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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