shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
