o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
