fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
