About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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