is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
