At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
