I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
