Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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