I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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