I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
