Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
