Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
