I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
