I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
