don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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