You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
